First stage of growing up

April 24, 2012
God must hate me for not conquering myself. And if He does, I'm willing to learn, and relearn the lessons again.  I thought maturity comes right after I chose to follow my own decision, but here I'am again... feels like nothing is really happening, nothing is really changing within me... and things aren't going the way I want them to happen, certainly because I'm not doing anything to make it happen. :(

I'm no longer a child. For all these years I've been hiding into my comfort zone, under the tutelage of my parents. I have my own decisions, but I always consider theirs. I have my own feet, but it feels like they're too weak to step on the ground that's why I still need the hand of my siblings to balance my walking. And the saddest part is to think that I'am ready to face life when in fact it feels like turning my back to my Redeemer.

Everything happens for a reason, and I know why I'm here. Though I might appear into the vision that I'm playing the role of a prodigal daughter, for not heeding their words, for neglecting their opinion, and for totally took the final say into my hands, still I do not regret.

After a long meditation and  life's self-learning times, waking up each morning today is quite different. Before, I used to woke up and breakfast is ready, after that I could do anything I want: meet people at work; meet friends, colleagues; meet troubles; etc.! I'm not afraid to make mistakes then, and to risk because I know there would always be someone who would fix things for me weather they like it or not. But now, I couldn't make any mistake, not just a single one because weather I like it or not, I'll be responsible for everything, and seriously, that drives me insane!

The usual routine today: wake-up, find my own food (I usually don't eat if it feels like eating is the cause of exhaustion LOL!), wash my own clothes even if my hands are hurting and eyes are sleepy, I couldn't afford to read books anymore not even Aleph, I have to save my money because there's nobody by my side to support my finances and I also do the math every time I compute my expenses which I hate most, I have no choice than to shut my mouth 'cos it seems like real world isn't willing to lend its ears, I have to refrain myself from singing because I might wake up other tenants, I couldn't make my Wednesday obligation and I couldn't barely make my attendance perfect every Sunday, and that makes me so sick, I can't go malling nor walking 'coz I'm afraid to walk alone in a strange place and that makes me wonder why of all the times that I've been walking alone I....... okay forget it. All of a sudden, It feels like so tiring and boring. The good thing about it is that, I'm enjoying the reason why I'm here, in short, I'm enjoying my work, I just hope that this euphoric feeling would be consistent until my last day of service-render.