January 27, 2012
It’s been a long time since my last thoughts have written, and I have a bit realization of what I have wandered for 10mos.
10 months is a long period of time, but too short to educate myself on how to deal with the usual challenges in life, and what should be done in real world. I’am young, but I couldn’t complain because I have to grow up. This might be one of the reason why I couldn’t find peace of mind and happiness. I said I’am much more willing to work with God’s Holy Will, and I kept myself asking Him first before doing something. I just find it so regretting when I despised the Lord, when I asked Him for a help to pass all the interviews and exam when I applied as a lecturer. I did my part, and He made me better. And that was how the deal began, and the work as well…
I’m a shallow person when all I thought about what I was doing is merely a work, a deal, a profession, and at times a burden or responsibility. Not realizing that there are a lot of people who wanted to be on my shoe because teaching is their vocation. All I thought was the value of time, the salary, the surroundings, the pain and everything… I learned every negative things, but I never see the satisfaction.
A friend talked to me when I’ve decided to stopped teaching. He told me that I’m just happy at times but never had peace of mind almost all the time. So without thinking any further, I stopped.
I rested for almost 4mos., because I really don’t know where to start again, and I was not pretty sure of what I really wanted.
It was roughly the 6th month when I’ve decided to find a new job, but it was really hard. The Industry is really competitive especially when you’ve decided to settle in a small town like ours… On the 7th month I really longed to work so I tried to be a consultant in a BPO company near downtown. It was a great experience: I met friendly people though most of them are more like my dads, moms, and older than my sister & brothers, but in spite of that I never had a problem dealing with them since they were really as cool as I’am (lol). On my first week, all I heard was the good things about everything, maybe because I was so willing and longing to work but there came a time when I had to open my eyes and see things clearly. It was then I realized that I’m in a hell. I don’t want to elaborate it further but that was the bottom line. :) Since it was a hell, and every people that I met inside was like Lucifer, I've decided to get myself out of that company.
And here comes the greatest realization about my biggest mistake: I longed for something that I love to do… something like giving me the satisfaction while enduring the pressure of work. I never knew that I had the things that I was looking for, until I’ve decided to lose it. Yes maybe I was too desperate to go beyond my usual surrounding, and routine. You know, preparing lessons, staying up late at night, dealing with difficult students, peers, co-faculty, deadlines, and my favorite term - responsibilities. I thought I wanted something better, some ways where I could just escape from these things, but what I just knew was, I just wanted to be bum, and yet aiming for success. It’s a bit illogical, but the real bottom line is that, I don’t know what I want.
One day, while I felt a bit tired waiting for nothing, I found myself kept on doing what I used to do when I was a lecturer. Dared to have a sleepless night just to study a single lesson, educating my former students through facebook chat, and acting as if I’m still an Educator. It is actually nostalgic, but I’m now here - bum. I couldn’t just pick up what was thrown. I also felt like a little depressed because I know that I never gave an importance of what I was doing. I also considered it as unfortunate. Realizing that I screwed up makes me feel loser and disappointed.
Now I’m headed to an option to go back. I still have my original plan - the reason why I left, but today I really have to consider my heart’s longing. I miss my students… I miss being their educator where I could teach them not just academic lessons but also the lessons that I have learned all throughout this life. I miss to be part of their learning, to be a part of their life. And above all, I miss being under the fulfillment of God’s will. It is a vocation rather a profession, and whatever will happen, whatever instances of life I might be in, I would still find time to teach.
I just hope that sooner or later I could still go back to this fulfilling industry. Whatever will happen, I would never forget this great experience that I had, and the lessons that I've learned through my Students.
