Blur

Issues and disruptions are the primary reason why an IT is needed.  The main goal is to mitigate operation's interruption, but in real life I don't solve them.  I sleep with them instead.

This is the point in time where "what if's" can't haunt me anymore.  This is the chapter that I have to think ahead and seize every moment.  I didn't complain, but I used to tell how I suffer pain.  I don't know whom I should recent, or if there would be someone to blame.  What I'm certain about is I did not know who I really am.

I didn't know how far I could go until I started walking; I was not aware of being patient until waiting is my only option.  I was only convinced that I could read when I learned to understand; I didn't know that I could be compassionate until I tried listening.  I didn't know that I could love until tears caught me.  My life bounces back and forth inside the four corners of my room, and of my work station. Three fourths of me is thankful and blessed, but the latter part still asks if this is really life.  If this is it, how can I bring it into the Holy will of God?  When in fact I have devoted myself into literals.

Pleasure is in the eye of the people who see me along my way, and how they wish they could also stand on my shoes.  But pleasure is only in the eye.. not every person like me finds the real happiness.  I've got what I've been praying for, and I love where I'am today, but in return I have to leave home and continue the journey with me and myself.  It was then that I realized that we cannot have it all.  I've traveled into space and time, I make my life the train instead of making it the station.  But it doesn't filled with enormous light, that provoked me to learn how to kill life.  Now it leads me to merely living...

I just breath....

Martyrs

"To be a Saint, means to be yourself."

I wasn't born in a church, nor studied in a Catholic School.  My Family is just an ordinary followers of God, whom I followed when I was still young.  I'm not like the church goers who memorize the characters found in the Bible, and not a consistent Bible reader.  I may never know all the prayers, and all the stuffs that a Catholic must know.  All I ever know is that there is God, He handles the pen of my life (even the pen of my love story), and He walks with me.  I'm not like the other people who claim for their strong beliefs and faith, because honestly, I'm not like them.  If there's a word that could describe me as a daughter of God, I'll be one of the people who consider themselves as prodigal sons & daughters of God.

Many years ago, I remember the little Cris sleeping inside the church. I couldn't imagine myself listening to the "sermon" of the Priest because I was so impatient.  It was so hot, and I couldn't contain the dizziness that I felt when I attend the morning mass.  By then, I hated Sunday.  Through the years, God allowed me to marvel: to understand the real meaning of faith; to realize how love becomes God, and vice versa.  I know He had been waiting me to walk towards Him, and seek His kingdom.

I could still remember the time when I met someone who brought me to God's kingdom.  He was actually a symbol of a person who has a strong faith and love to God.  He was my first love.  Technically, he played a very special role in my life, but sometimes people we met along our journey would just teach us a lesson, and far different from the role that we expect them to portray.  He didn't do anything, he just love God above all, and showed it through his willingness to sacrifice everything just for his family.  The good thing about it is he was so contagious.  Like him, I love my family and I could also trade everything in return just for their sake, but the lesson that he taught me is a legacy.  He brought me closer to God.

After that sudden change happened within me few years ago, I have drawn an intimate relationship with God.  I'm trying to be a good daughter not just to my parents, but to Him.  I keep on trying to attend the mass on every Catholic's day of obligation, and I'm trying to keep my faith.  I become fond of listening to God's seven last words every Holy week, and to idolize His martyrs.

One of my favorite Saint is St. Giovani Bosco.  A priest who have done everything for his boys.  He loved the youth, the Church, his mother, his family, and God.  I'm not a Bosconian, but he is very significant to me. I remember the year when his relic visited our town.  It was a great experience with the youth  and all the "usi citizen" who indeed so curious if the statue was genuine.  Actually it was just an ivory, but saint's right hand, who happened to be the reason of his canonization was embedded inside the prototype's chest.  It was a sacred day for me, because it was the time when I whispered something into him through prayers.  I know with God's grace, and through St. John Bosco, that something has been granted.  And that might be the reason why I'm here to where I' am today.

St. John Bosco, St. Theresa and all martyrs were just an ordinary people driven by great love and sacrifice.  They know what they want and docile to listen to God's calling.  I hope to be like them, not the as canonized martyrs, not the priesthood and novice side, but to be driven by great compassion, strong faith, and brave heart that whatever may come, their love & faith to God will be steadfast.

I can feel how God longs to each and everyone of us...  If only the world could teach his people to be a Saint, then maybe life on earth will be like heaven...

St. Giovanni "John" Bosco, Jan. 11, 2011

Answered Prayer

February 01, 2013.  It was supposedly my last day of work. But I don't know how to say this...  Feelings are overwhelming, and I don't know how to thank God for answering my prayer.  After all the difficulties I encountered for job haunting, and after the closure of my previous company, at last... I already have it!  I' am now a regular/permanent employee in not just a company, but a big and one of the prestigious one.

Thank you Lord for this blessing!  It's worth the wait. :) Deo Gracias!

First stage of growing up

April 24, 2012
God must hate me for not conquering myself. And if He does, I'm willing to learn, and relearn the lessons again.  I thought maturity comes right after I chose to follow my own decision, but here I'am again... feels like nothing is really happening, nothing is really changing within me... and things aren't going the way I want them to happen, certainly because I'm not doing anything to make it happen. :(

I'm no longer a child. For all these years I've been hiding into my comfort zone, under the tutelage of my parents. I have my own decisions, but I always consider theirs. I have my own feet, but it feels like they're too weak to step on the ground that's why I still need the hand of my siblings to balance my walking. And the saddest part is to think that I'am ready to face life when in fact it feels like turning my back to my Redeemer.

Everything happens for a reason, and I know why I'm here. Though I might appear into the vision that I'm playing the role of a prodigal daughter, for not heeding their words, for neglecting their opinion, and for totally took the final say into my hands, still I do not regret.

After a long meditation and  life's self-learning times, waking up each morning today is quite different. Before, I used to woke up and breakfast is ready, after that I could do anything I want: meet people at work; meet friends, colleagues; meet troubles; etc.! I'm not afraid to make mistakes then, and to risk because I know there would always be someone who would fix things for me weather they like it or not. But now, I couldn't make any mistake, not just a single one because weather I like it or not, I'll be responsible for everything, and seriously, that drives me insane!

The usual routine today: wake-up, find my own food (I usually don't eat if it feels like eating is the cause of exhaustion LOL!), wash my own clothes even if my hands are hurting and eyes are sleepy, I couldn't afford to read books anymore not even Aleph, I have to save my money because there's nobody by my side to support my finances and I also do the math every time I compute my expenses which I hate most, I have no choice than to shut my mouth 'cos it seems like real world isn't willing to lend its ears, I have to refrain myself from singing because I might wake up other tenants, I couldn't make my Wednesday obligation and I couldn't barely make my attendance perfect every Sunday, and that makes me so sick, I can't go malling nor walking 'coz I'm afraid to walk alone in a strange place and that makes me wonder why of all the times that I've been walking alone I....... okay forget it. All of a sudden, It feels like so tiring and boring. The good thing about it is that, I'm enjoying the reason why I'm here, in short, I'm enjoying my work, I just hope that this euphoric feeling would be consistent until my last day of service-render.

A Lesson then, and on.

January 27, 2012

It’s been a long time since my last thoughts have written, and I have a bit realization of what I have wandered for 10mos.

10 months is a long period of time, but too short to educate myself on how to deal with the usual challenges in life, and what should be done in real world. I’am young, but I couldn’t complain because I have to grow up. This might be one of the reason why I couldn’t find peace of mind and happiness. I said I’am much more willing to work with God’s Holy Will, and I kept myself asking Him first before doing something. I just find it so regretting when I despised the Lord, when I asked Him for a help to pass all the interviews and exam when I applied as a lecturer. I did my part, and He made me better. And that was how the deal began, and the work as well…

I’m a shallow person when all I thought about what I was doing is merely a work, a deal, a profession, and at times a burden or responsibility. Not realizing that there are a lot of people who wanted to be on my shoe because teaching is their vocation. All I thought was the value of time, the salary, the surroundings, the pain and everything… I learned every negative things, but I never see the satisfaction. 

A friend talked to me when I’ve decided to stopped teaching. He told me that I’m just happy at times but  never had peace of mind almost all the time. So without thinking any further, I stopped.

I rested for almost 4mos., because I really don’t know where to start again, and I was not pretty sure of what I really wanted.

It was roughly the 6th month when I’ve decided to find a new job, but it was really hard. The Industry is really competitive especially when you’ve decided to settle in a small town like ours… On the 7th month I really longed to work so I tried to be a consultant in a BPO company near downtown. It was a great experience: I met friendly people though most of them are more like my dads, moms, and older than my sister & brothers, but in spite of that I never had a problem dealing with them since they were really as cool as I’am (lol). On my first week, all I heard was the good things about everything, maybe because I was so willing and longing to work but there came a time when I had to open my eyes and see things clearly. It was then I realized that I’m in a hell. I don’t want to elaborate it further but that was the bottom line. :) Since it was a hell, and every people that I met inside was like Lucifer, I've decided to get myself out of that company. 

And here comes the greatest realization about my biggest mistake: I longed for something that I love to do… something like giving me the satisfaction while enduring the pressure of work. I never knew that I had the things that I was looking for, until I’ve decided to lose it. Yes maybe I was too desperate to go beyond my usual surrounding, and routine. You know, preparing lessons, staying up late at night, dealing with difficult students, peers, co-faculty, deadlines, and my favorite term - responsibilities. I thought I wanted something better, some ways where I could just escape from these things, but what I just knew was, I just wanted to be bum, and yet aiming for success. It’s a bit illogical, but the real bottom line is that, I don’t know what I want.

One day, while I felt a bit tired waiting for nothing, I found myself kept on doing what I used to do when I was a lecturer. Dared to have a sleepless night just to study a single lesson, educating my former students through facebook chat, and acting as if I’m still an Educator. It is actually nostalgic, but I’m now here - bum. I couldn’t just pick up what was thrown. I also felt like a little depressed because I know that I never gave an importance of what I was doing. I also considered it as unfortunate. Realizing that I screwed up makes me feel loser and disappointed.

Now I’m headed to an option to go back. I still have my original plan - the reason why I left, but today I really have to consider my heart’s longing. I miss my students… I miss being their educator where I could teach them not just academic lessons but also the lessons that I have learned all throughout this life. I miss to be part of their learning, to be a part of their life. And above all, I miss being under the fulfillment of God’s will. It is a vocation rather a profession, and whatever will happen, whatever instances of life I might be in, I would still find time to teach.

I just hope that sooner or later I could still go back to this fulfilling industry. Whatever will happen, I would never forget this great experience that I had, and the lessons that I've learned through my Students.