Forgive me Oh Lord

Jan. 20, 2012

Forgive me Lord for I have sinned.

I judge my Brothers and Sisters often, and I frown at them.

You gave me cruel people, and I hate them.

You sent me failures, and I screwed up.

You made me unique, yet I complain.

I'm a church-goer, but I always worry.

I said I have a strong faith, yet I tremble.

Sometimes I question your ways, but I couldn't see how you save me.

You said, "You can," but I answered, "I can't."

I have a lot of things to do, but I'm lazy.

I value time, but I've wasted it.

I said going to church is all I have, but it's as if I'm just doing it for an obligation's sake.

Lord, everyday is a miracle, and You never failed.

I often disappoint You, but You forgive.

Forgive me oh Lord, so I may be worthy to Your kingdom.

Amen.

"Smile, 'cos I can't be with you anymore."

Jan. 11. 2012

Words couldn’t really explain how I shed tears because of love that couldn’t match my time.  I have loved and was hoping to beloved in return.  Now I’m longing and occasionally shedding tears for the love that I once wish to be mine.

It was during the sunrise when he came and hugged me tightly.  I wasn’t able to move then, nor utter a single word.  I couldn’t forget how it felt: comfortable; secured, and loved.  It was as if I’m finally home.  The warm of love was creeping throughout my veins as I rested into his arms.  I couldn’t help yearning while he made me feel how to beloved.  How I wish I could tell how I died everyday waiting for him.

He taught me once again to stand firmly and be so strong, but when he left, I forgot all of these.  And he came again.  He embraced me as if it was the last day, and told me that I should be of courage because he couldn’t dwell with me this time and to the near future.  He can’t be with me anymore.  I should fix my life so I may stand strong and endure pain.  Then a kiss on a cheek bid him to disappear.  He will never come back again.

Once again he made me feel so special.  He made me feel that I’m the one even if in reality I can’t be with him.  He just came to leave me.  Light stroked on my eyes.  I woke up and realized that it was just a dream.  How I wish I could feel the same embrace in real life.  How I wish it would be him.  God knows how I longed, and He knows how I've loved someone a thousand years before..

Ang bag, ang unan, ang aircon, ang bus.

My Kwentong Bus no. 1

"Oh my gosh, ano ba 'to 4:30am na hindi pa ako nakasakay.  Male-leyt na ako!"
"Lintik oh walang Bus.."
"Cubao.  Ok, no choice, akyat na!"

"Yun, may upuan pa.." Alam mo yung sasakay ka sa Bus tapos yung tao sa unahan mo eh ma-feeling lang na ginawa nyang kama yung Bus?  Hanep ha, P201.00 lang ang pamasahe pero sya, parang nagbayad ng P700.00 pang deluxe trip.

"Excuse me, pwede po bang paki ayos yung upuan nyo?  Hindi ako kasya eh."  Ang ginaw pero uminit ang ulo ko dahil kay Kuya.  Natakot yata, biglang ayos naman nya kahit na kagigising at lango-lango pa.  Winner nanaman ang kasungitan style ko.  Yehey!

"Ayos 'to, redi na para matulog."  Sa isip ko, "Uy, teka.. kilala ko 'tong katabi ko ah.."  Agad lingon naman ang katabi kong mukhang hindi magkamayaw sa pangangalkal ng bag.  Ako, dedma na parang tagos lang ang tingin.  Inhale, exhale.. "So sya nga pala ito.. buhay oh, sa dinami-dami ng makakasakay bakit sya pa? At sa dami ng upuan, bakit dito pa?  Peste!"  Eh sino nga ba sya?  Sya lang naman yung taong... Ok sige, isa sa mga taong "na-bully" ko anim na taon na ang nakalipas.  Sino ba naman kasi ang hindi mangbubully sa ginawa nya.  Hindi nya ako kilala.. ginugulo nya ang skedyul ko para lang i-take ang mga lab exercise na alam ko naman na ginawa ko na.  Sa madaling sabi, isa sya sa mga taong pwedeng nabwisit saaken noong nasa kolehiyo palang, at kung bakit?  Hindi ko rin alam.

Aha, at mukhang nagulat sya, at mukhang nagtatanong ang mga mata nya, "Sya na nga kaya ito."  Sumagot ako sa isip ko, "Pwedeng ako na nga ito.. matangkad parin, nakasalamin na, hindi na long and curl hair, at higit sa lahat, gradweyt na.  At ikaw na nga ang asungot na madalas umupo sa unahan ko sa tuwing magsisimba ako.  At ang taong madalas akong simangutan na parang hindi ko binayaran ang pagkakautang ko sayo."  Hahaha! Natawa naman ako habang iniisip ko yun.  Nangiti tuloy ako.  Matagal na panahon na nga, pero mukha parin syang asar saakin.  Ok, asar din ako sakanya.

Tulog na dahil alasdyis na ako nakatulog at nagising ng alasdos.
"Ang lamig naman yata ng hangin.. parang gumagapang at tumatagos sa makapal kong stockings."  Napamulagat nalang at gusto kong mapamura.  Itinapat pala nya saaken ang aircon!  Sya sige, ok lang.. maswerte sya dahil sya yung nasa bintana.  Wala na akong magagawa kundi tiisin ang ginaw.  Makalipas ang 30mins., nagising ako..  Aba, ang galing-galing naman nya...may unan na nga sya, eh gusto nya pang gawing unan yung balikat ko.  Todo layo naman ako, at sa totoo lang hindi ko na matiis ang ginaw.  Hindi ako nakatulog.

Ganun pa man, sinikap ko talagang pumikit at matulog dahil masakit na yung ulo ko.  Nakatulog naman ng konti, pero pagkalagpas ng Dau akala ko nasiraan yung Bus na sinasakyan ko.
"Ano ba yung ang ingay?!  Grabe ah!"  Dedma lang sana..Kaso tuloy-tuloy ang ingay na parang may katabi ako kuliglig!"  Nagising na nga ng tuluyan.. Aba!  Naghihilik pala sya... Napakamot nalang ako ng ulo dahil sobra talaga yung ingay ng hilik nya.  Ang masama, saaken pa sya nakaharap habang naghihilik.  Feel na feel nya ang pagdikit nya sa braso ko habang gulantang na gulantang ako sa ingay nya.  Kaya ito ang bagay sakanya.. ang bonggang stolen shot!  Haha.. ayos, nakaganti rin ako.

Bababa daw sya sa GMA, kamuning na tulog parin sya.  Pag gising nya akala mo nilindol sa pagmamadali.  Lilinga-linga na kunwari malayo ang tingin, pero halata namang tinitignan lang nya kung tulog pa ako.  Tulog naman talaga ako, kuno.  Tuluyan na nga syang bababa at ngayon ko lang narealized, mabait naman pala sya.  Ang bait ng pagkakasabi nya ng, "Excuse me.."  yun tipong hindi sya yung taong magsasabi ng ganun kalumanay.  Pero akala ko lang pala ang lahat.  Ang ganti nya sa stolen shot ko ay ang bonggang pagtapak nya sa paa kong nagpapagaling palang sa pagkatapilok.

Ang numero uno sa mga kwentong Bus ko.  Magsimba na sya at ipanalangin na hindi kami ulit magsabay.  Lintik lang ang walang ganti.  Hahaha!

Jan. 28, 2013

Blur

Issues and disruptions are the primary reason why an IT is needed.  The main goal is to mitigate operation's interruption, but in real life I don't solve them.  I sleep with them instead.

This is the point in time where "what if's" can't haunt me anymore.  This is the chapter that I have to think ahead and seize every moment.  I didn't complain, but I used to tell how I suffer pain.  I don't know whom I should recent, or if there would be someone to blame.  What I'm certain about is I did not know who I really am.

I didn't know how far I could go until I started walking; I was not aware of being patient until waiting is my only option.  I was only convinced that I could read when I learned to understand; I didn't know that I could be compassionate until I tried listening.  I didn't know that I could love until tears caught me.  My life bounces back and forth inside the four corners of my room, and of my work station. Three fourths of me is thankful and blessed, but the latter part still asks if this is really life.  If this is it, how can I bring it into the Holy will of God?  When in fact I have devoted myself into literals.

Pleasure is in the eye of the people who see me along my way, and how they wish they could also stand on my shoes.  But pleasure is only in the eye.. not every person like me finds the real happiness.  I've got what I've been praying for, and I love where I'am today, but in return I have to leave home and continue the journey with me and myself.  It was then that I realized that we cannot have it all.  I've traveled into space and time, I make my life the train instead of making it the station.  But it doesn't filled with enormous light, that provoked me to learn how to kill life.  Now it leads me to merely living...

I just breath....

Martyrs

"To be a Saint, means to be yourself."

I wasn't born in a church, nor studied in a Catholic School.  My Family is just an ordinary followers of God, whom I followed when I was still young.  I'm not like the church goers who memorize the characters found in the Bible, and not a consistent Bible reader.  I may never know all the prayers, and all the stuffs that a Catholic must know.  All I ever know is that there is God, He handles the pen of my life (even the pen of my love story), and He walks with me.  I'm not like the other people who claim for their strong beliefs and faith, because honestly, I'm not like them.  If there's a word that could describe me as a daughter of God, I'll be one of the people who consider themselves as prodigal sons & daughters of God.

Many years ago, I remember the little Cris sleeping inside the church. I couldn't imagine myself listening to the "sermon" of the Priest because I was so impatient.  It was so hot, and I couldn't contain the dizziness that I felt when I attend the morning mass.  By then, I hated Sunday.  Through the years, God allowed me to marvel: to understand the real meaning of faith; to realize how love becomes God, and vice versa.  I know He had been waiting me to walk towards Him, and seek His kingdom.

I could still remember the time when I met someone who brought me to God's kingdom.  He was actually a symbol of a person who has a strong faith and love to God.  He was my first love.  Technically, he played a very special role in my life, but sometimes people we met along our journey would just teach us a lesson, and far different from the role that we expect them to portray.  He didn't do anything, he just love God above all, and showed it through his willingness to sacrifice everything just for his family.  The good thing about it is he was so contagious.  Like him, I love my family and I could also trade everything in return just for their sake, but the lesson that he taught me is a legacy.  He brought me closer to God.

After that sudden change happened within me few years ago, I have drawn an intimate relationship with God.  I'm trying to be a good daughter not just to my parents, but to Him.  I keep on trying to attend the mass on every Catholic's day of obligation, and I'm trying to keep my faith.  I become fond of listening to God's seven last words every Holy week, and to idolize His martyrs.

One of my favorite Saint is St. Giovani Bosco.  A priest who have done everything for his boys.  He loved the youth, the Church, his mother, his family, and God.  I'm not a Bosconian, but he is very significant to me. I remember the year when his relic visited our town.  It was a great experience with the youth  and all the "usi citizen" who indeed so curious if the statue was genuine.  Actually it was just an ivory, but saint's right hand, who happened to be the reason of his canonization was embedded inside the prototype's chest.  It was a sacred day for me, because it was the time when I whispered something into him through prayers.  I know with God's grace, and through St. John Bosco, that something has been granted.  And that might be the reason why I'm here to where I' am today.

St. John Bosco, St. Theresa and all martyrs were just an ordinary people driven by great love and sacrifice.  They know what they want and docile to listen to God's calling.  I hope to be like them, not the as canonized martyrs, not the priesthood and novice side, but to be driven by great compassion, strong faith, and brave heart that whatever may come, their love & faith to God will be steadfast.

I can feel how God longs to each and everyone of us...  If only the world could teach his people to be a Saint, then maybe life on earth will be like heaven...

St. Giovanni "John" Bosco, Jan. 11, 2011

Answered Prayer

February 01, 2013.  It was supposedly my last day of work. But I don't know how to say this...  Feelings are overwhelming, and I don't know how to thank God for answering my prayer.  After all the difficulties I encountered for job haunting, and after the closure of my previous company, at last... I already have it!  I' am now a regular/permanent employee in not just a company, but a big and one of the prestigious one.

Thank you Lord for this blessing!  It's worth the wait. :) Deo Gracias!

First stage of growing up

April 24, 2012
God must hate me for not conquering myself. And if He does, I'm willing to learn, and relearn the lessons again.  I thought maturity comes right after I chose to follow my own decision, but here I'am again... feels like nothing is really happening, nothing is really changing within me... and things aren't going the way I want them to happen, certainly because I'm not doing anything to make it happen. :(

I'm no longer a child. For all these years I've been hiding into my comfort zone, under the tutelage of my parents. I have my own decisions, but I always consider theirs. I have my own feet, but it feels like they're too weak to step on the ground that's why I still need the hand of my siblings to balance my walking. And the saddest part is to think that I'am ready to face life when in fact it feels like turning my back to my Redeemer.

Everything happens for a reason, and I know why I'm here. Though I might appear into the vision that I'm playing the role of a prodigal daughter, for not heeding their words, for neglecting their opinion, and for totally took the final say into my hands, still I do not regret.

After a long meditation and  life's self-learning times, waking up each morning today is quite different. Before, I used to woke up and breakfast is ready, after that I could do anything I want: meet people at work; meet friends, colleagues; meet troubles; etc.! I'm not afraid to make mistakes then, and to risk because I know there would always be someone who would fix things for me weather they like it or not. But now, I couldn't make any mistake, not just a single one because weather I like it or not, I'll be responsible for everything, and seriously, that drives me insane!

The usual routine today: wake-up, find my own food (I usually don't eat if it feels like eating is the cause of exhaustion LOL!), wash my own clothes even if my hands are hurting and eyes are sleepy, I couldn't afford to read books anymore not even Aleph, I have to save my money because there's nobody by my side to support my finances and I also do the math every time I compute my expenses which I hate most, I have no choice than to shut my mouth 'cos it seems like real world isn't willing to lend its ears, I have to refrain myself from singing because I might wake up other tenants, I couldn't make my Wednesday obligation and I couldn't barely make my attendance perfect every Sunday, and that makes me so sick, I can't go malling nor walking 'coz I'm afraid to walk alone in a strange place and that makes me wonder why of all the times that I've been walking alone I....... okay forget it. All of a sudden, It feels like so tiring and boring. The good thing about it is that, I'm enjoying the reason why I'm here, in short, I'm enjoying my work, I just hope that this euphoric feeling would be consistent until my last day of service-render.