My Ideal Wedding Someday

My Ideal Wedding Someday

Eric and Lelie Ludy's wedding

I never get tired watching this video.  It's not a movie, but I can't help myself to be a fan of this love story.  It's not one of the top selling romantic novel, but it will pacify every girl's longing for true love.  This is the love story of two people who believed that True and sacred love does exist.  And this is what I really believe.  I pray that like the author of the book, "When God writes your love story," I would find someone who will be like Eric Ludy.  A man who believes on the sacredness of true love.

You will never know what I mean, and will have no idea about how I feel when you don't give it a try to watch this video and read the book.  Please do watch it!

Tsinelas

"..tsinelas ka, paa ako.."


Hindi mapatid ang nararamdaman sa haba ng panahon, ngunit hindi rin maikukubli ang sakit ng nakaraan at takot na baka masaktan muli. Sa hinaba haba ng oras sa isang araw, hindi ko maiwasan na maalala sya. Sino sya? Sa madaling sabi, sya ang pinaka-espesyal na tao na minsang naging bahagi ng aking buhay. Hindi man sya ang madalas kong tukuyin sa mga blogs ko, ngunit ni minsa'y hindi nawala sa isipan. Mistulang tinunaw na ng panahon ang alaala na naging parte na ng aking pagkatao, subalit hindi ang pagmamahal na minsang naramdaman.

Siguro nga hindi nawala. Siguro kahit na napakarami ng nangyari, dumating, nagdaan, at nabago, hindi nabawasan ang nararamdamang lulan ng kahapon. Hindi nawala, natabunan lang. Kung kaya lang ng mga paa ko, gamit ang mga tsinelas, na balikan ang panahong aking pinalagpas, 'di sana'y nasagot na ang mga katanungan ko. Kung ang naging buhay ko sana ay tulad ng relasyon ng paa at tsinelas, malamang hanggang ngayon kasama ko parin ang nag-iisang taong nagturo saaken kung papano maglakad sa buhay patungo sa tamang daan. Sa katunayan, masaya naman ang mabuhay ng wala sya. Masaya naman ang buhay kahit na alam kong minsan, may tao akong kinalimutan para sa kinabukasan ng marami. Masayang masaya.. pero hindi siguro kasing saya kong natutunan kong.......... hayaan nalang natin.

Malapit ng mag sampong taon ang paghihintay na akala kong may kahihinatnan. Siguro panahon na upang tuluyang ibaon sa limot ang lahat. Marahil kelangang itago na ang tsinelas at simulan na ang paghahanap sa kapareha ng aking sapatos.

"Tayong dalawa ay parang relasyon ng paa at tsinelas.  Tsinelas ka, paa ako.  Hindi kaya ni paa na wala si tsinelas, at higit sa lahat.. masakit para kay paa na walang tsinelas."
 - Cetti, 2005

Lost Shoe

How could it be so possible that out of this big world you'll find the pair of your shoe?
Would it be possible that you've already met that someone who could stay with you for the rest of
your life?  What would be the level of probability that along our way into work, we've already glance
at each other?  How could a genius tells us that fate have given us chances to meet that one special
person inside the bus, or jeepney?  How could a philosopher give us a rational explanation why there
is this one thing called, love?

Big city!  I had of glimpse of myself working in a big city 9 years ago.  It felt like there is a mystery that
awaits me somewhere in the corner of that big town.  I knew it before that it is something "blue" that awaits
me.  Today, I have already arrived.  The bus of my destiny never stopped searching for my destination, and
so I'm already here.  Everyday I make sure of not neglecting to thank God for leading me into the right way.
It is indeed one of God's graces that I must be thankful with for the rest of my life, and a lot more thanks
when someone would finally arrived, knock on my locked heart, and bring the pair of my shoe. (naks!)

I honestly don't know how to describe it, but it's as if I know where to find him.  At this point in time, I mingle with different people, and boys are everywhere.  There are different types of guys that I assumed they're just existing in movies.  These features are: Mr. Gentleman who will carry all your luggage and gently bring you on your work station, Mr. Serious who keeps themselves busy with their work, Mr. Religious who in a sense a very contagious guy, to the point that you are unconsciously memorize all the prayers because of the radiance of  his love to our Holy Father, and even Mr. Right does exist.  There is also "nerdy-silent" type who will just smile at you when your eyes meet.  What I laugh most is a type of guy who often tells you his pity and sick moments, and I don't get the reason why.  I presumed these guys are boys who solely raised by their Father, and need more motherly affection.

Furthermore, it amaze me that the real world also contains the type of leading man in a block buster movies.  These are the kind of guys who find hard times in exercising there face muscle, in short they don't smile.  They are the devil and more like an antagonist who eventually turned out into a nice beast.  However, they are still beast, and I have met one of them.

I couldn't forget the first time that I met that beastly guy.   It's quite long if I'm gonna dig into the detailed story of it, but to make it shorter I met him during the Company turn over.  Things were too complicated then that I couldn't answer the questions pertaining to the network infrastructure of the company, and luckily he was the one who frankly told me that I SHOULD KNOW EVERYTHING even if it's beyond my job
description.  Well I say it's a dangerous thing to know everything.  Maybe during that time, I didn't know the answer yet. But he doesn't have an idea how I burned coils at night just to patch things up and understand each information and transaction that I've been handling for just in a month or two.  That almost 6 footer guy made my day, and I hated him.  Moving forward, he seated beside me cornering into the narrow work station of my office mate.  He asked me for a password but could,'t gave him even a single one, 'cos honestly I did not want to initialize any communication with him.  He asked me again for a wild guess, so what I did was to give it a try, it was just because I couldn't get rid of him.  Imagine, he seated before me and I couldn't find a way to get out of that work station, and totally disappear into his sight.  So there, I gave it a wild guess and tried to make a friendly conversation with him, but he asked more questions that I could hardly answer.  This person pushed me into my limit.  Until I've decided to just shut my mouth at the corner, and there he goes, he asked again.  This time it's not related to the Network Infrastructure, it's about me.
He asked where unit would I be assigned when their company would totally invade us. I joyfully answered his question to hide that I really wanted to slap him for annoying me.  After an hour of suffering beside that pale guy, I finally found a way out of that corner, but annoyance didn't end here.

He kept on asking me to send the report that he found through his email.  How can I send it?  While following me and calling me in a different name, he handed me a calling card.  His complete name was written there including his contact numbers, designation, Dept./Unit, email and everything.
What can I say? Amazing!  At his early age, he's already one of the young Junior Assistant Manager which the same title that I got today.  Going back, I tried to send it though, I know it was just a way for him to know my complete name.  I did not give him anything to remember, even my nickname that's why he called me into a different names.  Does anyone has an idea what happened after that day?  Of course nothing.
I assumed our path won't meet again because the Company is so big and the probability of meeting that annoying guy is really crucial.  But of course, I was totally wrong.

After 7mos., we met again, and wow, we are both working inside the four corners of the office.  Look how the fate played this game with me.  I was actually hoping that he can't annoy me anymore, but he was so hideous, and I guess I'm tasting my own medicine because of his naughtiness. I believe he could recognize me, and that drives him to stare at me in a scared way as if I owe him something.  This time he knew my real name, the Security Guard asked for my name and I've spelled it and pronounced it in a syllabicated way for him to get the correct spelling.  Unaware of it, Mr. 6 footer is behind me.  And he scared me the way he looked at me.

Everday is a hide & seek day.  Thrilling, exciting but more often it seriously shivers me. One time I was about to go home.  I just have to wait for my office mate for turning off  her computer.  I was aware of his presence because he was mixing his coffee in front of the water fountain resided near us, what I did was I silently talked, but to my surprised, when I decided not to talk at all, he made a simple glimpsed towards my work station, of course he found me standing there and for a hundred times he scared me again with his glances, and was smiling alone.  He seemed like he lost his sanity!  When we went out of the office and waiting
for the elevator, he hurriedly open the door and joined us inside the it.  He locked himself at the corner of the elevator where my reflections were all seen.  I could see him staring at my reflection until we've reached the ground floor.  He first let us went out of the elevator before he stepped out, and he made a single act of kindness.  He pushed his arms against the elevator's door so when I go out with my heavy luggage, I wouldn't be slipped off between the door.  He followed us until we've crossed the corner outside the Company.  Somehow, it touches me.  I never thought that a guy with hideous beast behavior like him knows how to be gentle.

The following day, he scares me more.  It was late and after having a dinner nearby the company, I was walking alone going back to the office.  We were supposedly cross each other's way but he saw me.  He stopped walking and waited for me at the street corner, while I was all aware that his sight was heading into my way back to the company.  He stood to the corner while looking at me having my walk away from him, but I don't know how long did he stay.  I ran, and I didn't mind if he saw me running.

Hence, what's the point of telling this story and enumerated the different kind of guys?  Because it's just a living proof  that even if I felt of finding the pair of my shoe in the big city, it's a strong indication that there are plenty of good guys existing in this world.  This drives me again into the conclusion that I should lock my heart into a shelve fervently.

I was thrice lost in a dance, and I don't want to be lost in a blind alley.  Without any standard of a dream guy, I realized that this life, specially the life here in a big city would just take you into the midst of artificial hope.  You know, immature feelings triggered by the artistic tactics of guys just to win a girl's heart and after a weeks or two, a month or a year, it will all just turn out into cold tears and broken hearts. But
base on the book that I've read, words are life set down on a paper.  Same goes in life scenarios: feelings are set down into this world to nurture the promise of fulfilling each and everyone's fate.  I just hope that even if the alley would be as narrow as the water pipe or as wide as the ocean, there's someone at the other end holding the pair of shoe that I've been looking for all these years.  I wish he's not just watching me on my way going to my destination, nor following me like a stalker.  Let me know that you're there.  Let me hear your name, as you wish to know mine.

Skyscraper

It's like a big school where I can learn more about life.  But of course it's not an Institution anymore and acad subjects are over.  Today is the time when I can freely venture how it feels like to be in a dream where I could only imagine 9 years ago.

Until now I couldn't believe that I'm already here!  Huge buildings, high tech facilities, intelligent people, and really a big bosses.  This is the time when I learn things independently, try solving things on my own, and
realizing that there are more to life.  I couldn't imagine then how little things have driven me into a bit insanity when I don't get what I want, in fact I'm just getting things because there were always someone who could do all those stuffs for me.  But in real life, you can't get things without perspiration, a bit wit, and most specially without shedding tears.

Maybe this is life.. a life of an independent young adult like me who tries to look for her own Aleph.  My God, thank you.  I hope You won't get tired walking with me all throughout this journey.

Forgive me Oh Lord

Jan. 20, 2012

Forgive me Lord for I have sinned.

I judge my Brothers and Sisters often, and I frown at them.

You gave me cruel people, and I hate them.

You sent me failures, and I screwed up.

You made me unique, yet I complain.

I'm a church-goer, but I always worry.

I said I have a strong faith, yet I tremble.

Sometimes I question your ways, but I couldn't see how you save me.

You said, "You can," but I answered, "I can't."

I have a lot of things to do, but I'm lazy.

I value time, but I've wasted it.

I said going to church is all I have, but it's as if I'm just doing it for an obligation's sake.

Lord, everyday is a miracle, and You never failed.

I often disappoint You, but You forgive.

Forgive me oh Lord, so I may be worthy to Your kingdom.

Amen.

"Smile, 'cos I can't be with you anymore."

Jan. 11. 2012

Words couldn’t really explain how I shed tears because of love that couldn’t match my time.  I have loved and was hoping to beloved in return.  Now I’m longing and occasionally shedding tears for the love that I once wish to be mine.

It was during the sunrise when he came and hugged me tightly.  I wasn’t able to move then, nor utter a single word.  I couldn’t forget how it felt: comfortable; secured, and loved.  It was as if I’m finally home.  The warm of love was creeping throughout my veins as I rested into his arms.  I couldn’t help yearning while he made me feel how to beloved.  How I wish I could tell how I died everyday waiting for him.

He taught me once again to stand firmly and be so strong, but when he left, I forgot all of these.  And he came again.  He embraced me as if it was the last day, and told me that I should be of courage because he couldn’t dwell with me this time and to the near future.  He can’t be with me anymore.  I should fix my life so I may stand strong and endure pain.  Then a kiss on a cheek bid him to disappear.  He will never come back again.

Once again he made me feel so special.  He made me feel that I’m the one even if in reality I can’t be with him.  He just came to leave me.  Light stroked on my eyes.  I woke up and realized that it was just a dream.  How I wish I could feel the same embrace in real life.  How I wish it would be him.  God knows how I longed, and He knows how I've loved someone a thousand years before..

Ang bag, ang unan, ang aircon, ang bus.

My Kwentong Bus no. 1

"Oh my gosh, ano ba 'to 4:30am na hindi pa ako nakasakay.  Male-leyt na ako!"
"Lintik oh walang Bus.."
"Cubao.  Ok, no choice, akyat na!"

"Yun, may upuan pa.." Alam mo yung sasakay ka sa Bus tapos yung tao sa unahan mo eh ma-feeling lang na ginawa nyang kama yung Bus?  Hanep ha, P201.00 lang ang pamasahe pero sya, parang nagbayad ng P700.00 pang deluxe trip.

"Excuse me, pwede po bang paki ayos yung upuan nyo?  Hindi ako kasya eh."  Ang ginaw pero uminit ang ulo ko dahil kay Kuya.  Natakot yata, biglang ayos naman nya kahit na kagigising at lango-lango pa.  Winner nanaman ang kasungitan style ko.  Yehey!

"Ayos 'to, redi na para matulog."  Sa isip ko, "Uy, teka.. kilala ko 'tong katabi ko ah.."  Agad lingon naman ang katabi kong mukhang hindi magkamayaw sa pangangalkal ng bag.  Ako, dedma na parang tagos lang ang tingin.  Inhale, exhale.. "So sya nga pala ito.. buhay oh, sa dinami-dami ng makakasakay bakit sya pa? At sa dami ng upuan, bakit dito pa?  Peste!"  Eh sino nga ba sya?  Sya lang naman yung taong... Ok sige, isa sa mga taong "na-bully" ko anim na taon na ang nakalipas.  Sino ba naman kasi ang hindi mangbubully sa ginawa nya.  Hindi nya ako kilala.. ginugulo nya ang skedyul ko para lang i-take ang mga lab exercise na alam ko naman na ginawa ko na.  Sa madaling sabi, isa sya sa mga taong pwedeng nabwisit saaken noong nasa kolehiyo palang, at kung bakit?  Hindi ko rin alam.

Aha, at mukhang nagulat sya, at mukhang nagtatanong ang mga mata nya, "Sya na nga kaya ito."  Sumagot ako sa isip ko, "Pwedeng ako na nga ito.. matangkad parin, nakasalamin na, hindi na long and curl hair, at higit sa lahat, gradweyt na.  At ikaw na nga ang asungot na madalas umupo sa unahan ko sa tuwing magsisimba ako.  At ang taong madalas akong simangutan na parang hindi ko binayaran ang pagkakautang ko sayo."  Hahaha! Natawa naman ako habang iniisip ko yun.  Nangiti tuloy ako.  Matagal na panahon na nga, pero mukha parin syang asar saakin.  Ok, asar din ako sakanya.

Tulog na dahil alasdyis na ako nakatulog at nagising ng alasdos.
"Ang lamig naman yata ng hangin.. parang gumagapang at tumatagos sa makapal kong stockings."  Napamulagat nalang at gusto kong mapamura.  Itinapat pala nya saaken ang aircon!  Sya sige, ok lang.. maswerte sya dahil sya yung nasa bintana.  Wala na akong magagawa kundi tiisin ang ginaw.  Makalipas ang 30mins., nagising ako..  Aba, ang galing-galing naman nya...may unan na nga sya, eh gusto nya pang gawing unan yung balikat ko.  Todo layo naman ako, at sa totoo lang hindi ko na matiis ang ginaw.  Hindi ako nakatulog.

Ganun pa man, sinikap ko talagang pumikit at matulog dahil masakit na yung ulo ko.  Nakatulog naman ng konti, pero pagkalagpas ng Dau akala ko nasiraan yung Bus na sinasakyan ko.
"Ano ba yung ang ingay?!  Grabe ah!"  Dedma lang sana..Kaso tuloy-tuloy ang ingay na parang may katabi ako kuliglig!"  Nagising na nga ng tuluyan.. Aba!  Naghihilik pala sya... Napakamot nalang ako ng ulo dahil sobra talaga yung ingay ng hilik nya.  Ang masama, saaken pa sya nakaharap habang naghihilik.  Feel na feel nya ang pagdikit nya sa braso ko habang gulantang na gulantang ako sa ingay nya.  Kaya ito ang bagay sakanya.. ang bonggang stolen shot!  Haha.. ayos, nakaganti rin ako.

Bababa daw sya sa GMA, kamuning na tulog parin sya.  Pag gising nya akala mo nilindol sa pagmamadali.  Lilinga-linga na kunwari malayo ang tingin, pero halata namang tinitignan lang nya kung tulog pa ako.  Tulog naman talaga ako, kuno.  Tuluyan na nga syang bababa at ngayon ko lang narealized, mabait naman pala sya.  Ang bait ng pagkakasabi nya ng, "Excuse me.."  yun tipong hindi sya yung taong magsasabi ng ganun kalumanay.  Pero akala ko lang pala ang lahat.  Ang ganti nya sa stolen shot ko ay ang bonggang pagtapak nya sa paa kong nagpapagaling palang sa pagkatapilok.

Ang numero uno sa mga kwentong Bus ko.  Magsimba na sya at ipanalangin na hindi kami ulit magsabay.  Lintik lang ang walang ganti.  Hahaha!

Jan. 28, 2013

Blur

Issues and disruptions are the primary reason why an IT is needed.  The main goal is to mitigate operation's interruption, but in real life I don't solve them.  I sleep with them instead.

This is the point in time where "what if's" can't haunt me anymore.  This is the chapter that I have to think ahead and seize every moment.  I didn't complain, but I used to tell how I suffer pain.  I don't know whom I should recent, or if there would be someone to blame.  What I'm certain about is I did not know who I really am.

I didn't know how far I could go until I started walking; I was not aware of being patient until waiting is my only option.  I was only convinced that I could read when I learned to understand; I didn't know that I could be compassionate until I tried listening.  I didn't know that I could love until tears caught me.  My life bounces back and forth inside the four corners of my room, and of my work station. Three fourths of me is thankful and blessed, but the latter part still asks if this is really life.  If this is it, how can I bring it into the Holy will of God?  When in fact I have devoted myself into literals.

Pleasure is in the eye of the people who see me along my way, and how they wish they could also stand on my shoes.  But pleasure is only in the eye.. not every person like me finds the real happiness.  I've got what I've been praying for, and I love where I'am today, but in return I have to leave home and continue the journey with me and myself.  It was then that I realized that we cannot have it all.  I've traveled into space and time, I make my life the train instead of making it the station.  But it doesn't filled with enormous light, that provoked me to learn how to kill life.  Now it leads me to merely living...

I just breath....

Martyrs

"To be a Saint, means to be yourself."

I wasn't born in a church, nor studied in a Catholic School.  My Family is just an ordinary followers of God, whom I followed when I was still young.  I'm not like the church goers who memorize the characters found in the Bible, and not a consistent Bible reader.  I may never know all the prayers, and all the stuffs that a Catholic must know.  All I ever know is that there is God, He handles the pen of my life (even the pen of my love story), and He walks with me.  I'm not like the other people who claim for their strong beliefs and faith, because honestly, I'm not like them.  If there's a word that could describe me as a daughter of God, I'll be one of the people who consider themselves as prodigal sons & daughters of God.

Many years ago, I remember the little Cris sleeping inside the church. I couldn't imagine myself listening to the "sermon" of the Priest because I was so impatient.  It was so hot, and I couldn't contain the dizziness that I felt when I attend the morning mass.  By then, I hated Sunday.  Through the years, God allowed me to marvel: to understand the real meaning of faith; to realize how love becomes God, and vice versa.  I know He had been waiting me to walk towards Him, and seek His kingdom.

I could still remember the time when I met someone who brought me to God's kingdom.  He was actually a symbol of a person who has a strong faith and love to God.  He was my first love.  Technically, he played a very special role in my life, but sometimes people we met along our journey would just teach us a lesson, and far different from the role that we expect them to portray.  He didn't do anything, he just love God above all, and showed it through his willingness to sacrifice everything just for his family.  The good thing about it is he was so contagious.  Like him, I love my family and I could also trade everything in return just for their sake, but the lesson that he taught me is a legacy.  He brought me closer to God.

After that sudden change happened within me few years ago, I have drawn an intimate relationship with God.  I'm trying to be a good daughter not just to my parents, but to Him.  I keep on trying to attend the mass on every Catholic's day of obligation, and I'm trying to keep my faith.  I become fond of listening to God's seven last words every Holy week, and to idolize His martyrs.

One of my favorite Saint is St. Giovani Bosco.  A priest who have done everything for his boys.  He loved the youth, the Church, his mother, his family, and God.  I'm not a Bosconian, but he is very significant to me. I remember the year when his relic visited our town.  It was a great experience with the youth  and all the "usi citizen" who indeed so curious if the statue was genuine.  Actually it was just an ivory, but saint's right hand, who happened to be the reason of his canonization was embedded inside the prototype's chest.  It was a sacred day for me, because it was the time when I whispered something into him through prayers.  I know with God's grace, and through St. John Bosco, that something has been granted.  And that might be the reason why I'm here to where I' am today.

St. John Bosco, St. Theresa and all martyrs were just an ordinary people driven by great love and sacrifice.  They know what they want and docile to listen to God's calling.  I hope to be like them, not the as canonized martyrs, not the priesthood and novice side, but to be driven by great compassion, strong faith, and brave heart that whatever may come, their love & faith to God will be steadfast.

I can feel how God longs to each and everyone of us...  If only the world could teach his people to be a Saint, then maybe life on earth will be like heaven...

St. Giovanni "John" Bosco, Jan. 11, 2011

Answered Prayer

February 01, 2013.  It was supposedly my last day of work. But I don't know how to say this...  Feelings are overwhelming, and I don't know how to thank God for answering my prayer.  After all the difficulties I encountered for job haunting, and after the closure of my previous company, at last... I already have it!  I' am now a regular/permanent employee in not just a company, but a big and one of the prestigious one.

Thank you Lord for this blessing!  It's worth the wait. :) Deo Gracias!

First stage of growing up

April 24, 2012
God must hate me for not conquering myself. And if He does, I'm willing to learn, and relearn the lessons again.  I thought maturity comes right after I chose to follow my own decision, but here I'am again... feels like nothing is really happening, nothing is really changing within me... and things aren't going the way I want them to happen, certainly because I'm not doing anything to make it happen. :(

I'm no longer a child. For all these years I've been hiding into my comfort zone, under the tutelage of my parents. I have my own decisions, but I always consider theirs. I have my own feet, but it feels like they're too weak to step on the ground that's why I still need the hand of my siblings to balance my walking. And the saddest part is to think that I'am ready to face life when in fact it feels like turning my back to my Redeemer.

Everything happens for a reason, and I know why I'm here. Though I might appear into the vision that I'm playing the role of a prodigal daughter, for not heeding their words, for neglecting their opinion, and for totally took the final say into my hands, still I do not regret.

After a long meditation and  life's self-learning times, waking up each morning today is quite different. Before, I used to woke up and breakfast is ready, after that I could do anything I want: meet people at work; meet friends, colleagues; meet troubles; etc.! I'm not afraid to make mistakes then, and to risk because I know there would always be someone who would fix things for me weather they like it or not. But now, I couldn't make any mistake, not just a single one because weather I like it or not, I'll be responsible for everything, and seriously, that drives me insane!

The usual routine today: wake-up, find my own food (I usually don't eat if it feels like eating is the cause of exhaustion LOL!), wash my own clothes even if my hands are hurting and eyes are sleepy, I couldn't afford to read books anymore not even Aleph, I have to save my money because there's nobody by my side to support my finances and I also do the math every time I compute my expenses which I hate most, I have no choice than to shut my mouth 'cos it seems like real world isn't willing to lend its ears, I have to refrain myself from singing because I might wake up other tenants, I couldn't make my Wednesday obligation and I couldn't barely make my attendance perfect every Sunday, and that makes me so sick, I can't go malling nor walking 'coz I'm afraid to walk alone in a strange place and that makes me wonder why of all the times that I've been walking alone I....... okay forget it. All of a sudden, It feels like so tiring and boring. The good thing about it is that, I'm enjoying the reason why I'm here, in short, I'm enjoying my work, I just hope that this euphoric feeling would be consistent until my last day of service-render.

A Lesson then, and on.

January 27, 2012

It’s been a long time since my last thoughts have written, and I have a bit realization of what I have wandered for 10mos.

10 months is a long period of time, but too short to educate myself on how to deal with the usual challenges in life, and what should be done in real world. I’am young, but I couldn’t complain because I have to grow up. This might be one of the reason why I couldn’t find peace of mind and happiness. I said I’am much more willing to work with God’s Holy Will, and I kept myself asking Him first before doing something. I just find it so regretting when I despised the Lord, when I asked Him for a help to pass all the interviews and exam when I applied as a lecturer. I did my part, and He made me better. And that was how the deal began, and the work as well…

I’m a shallow person when all I thought about what I was doing is merely a work, a deal, a profession, and at times a burden or responsibility. Not realizing that there are a lot of people who wanted to be on my shoe because teaching is their vocation. All I thought was the value of time, the salary, the surroundings, the pain and everything… I learned every negative things, but I never see the satisfaction. 

A friend talked to me when I’ve decided to stopped teaching. He told me that I’m just happy at times but  never had peace of mind almost all the time. So without thinking any further, I stopped.

I rested for almost 4mos., because I really don’t know where to start again, and I was not pretty sure of what I really wanted.

It was roughly the 6th month when I’ve decided to find a new job, but it was really hard. The Industry is really competitive especially when you’ve decided to settle in a small town like ours… On the 7th month I really longed to work so I tried to be a consultant in a BPO company near downtown. It was a great experience: I met friendly people though most of them are more like my dads, moms, and older than my sister & brothers, but in spite of that I never had a problem dealing with them since they were really as cool as I’am (lol). On my first week, all I heard was the good things about everything, maybe because I was so willing and longing to work but there came a time when I had to open my eyes and see things clearly. It was then I realized that I’m in a hell. I don’t want to elaborate it further but that was the bottom line. :) Since it was a hell, and every people that I met inside was like Lucifer, I've decided to get myself out of that company. 

And here comes the greatest realization about my biggest mistake: I longed for something that I love to do… something like giving me the satisfaction while enduring the pressure of work. I never knew that I had the things that I was looking for, until I’ve decided to lose it. Yes maybe I was too desperate to go beyond my usual surrounding, and routine. You know, preparing lessons, staying up late at night, dealing with difficult students, peers, co-faculty, deadlines, and my favorite term - responsibilities. I thought I wanted something better, some ways where I could just escape from these things, but what I just knew was, I just wanted to be bum, and yet aiming for success. It’s a bit illogical, but the real bottom line is that, I don’t know what I want.

One day, while I felt a bit tired waiting for nothing, I found myself kept on doing what I used to do when I was a lecturer. Dared to have a sleepless night just to study a single lesson, educating my former students through facebook chat, and acting as if I’m still an Educator. It is actually nostalgic, but I’m now here - bum. I couldn’t just pick up what was thrown. I also felt like a little depressed because I know that I never gave an importance of what I was doing. I also considered it as unfortunate. Realizing that I screwed up makes me feel loser and disappointed.

Now I’m headed to an option to go back. I still have my original plan - the reason why I left, but today I really have to consider my heart’s longing. I miss my students… I miss being their educator where I could teach them not just academic lessons but also the lessons that I have learned all throughout this life. I miss to be part of their learning, to be a part of their life. And above all, I miss being under the fulfillment of God’s will. It is a vocation rather a profession, and whatever will happen, whatever instances of life I might be in, I would still find time to teach.

I just hope that sooner or later I could still go back to this fulfilling industry. Whatever will happen, I would never forget this great experience that I had, and the lessons that I've learned through my Students.